Day 29: On Blinking Cursors and a Deeper Authenticity {and what I’m offering to you tomorrow}

Rooted Final 500 x 500The blank screen.

I come to this place this morning and find my mind is immediately stilled. My thoughts stop all their darting and flitting around, from this topic to the next, this post idea to the next–

–and they breathe.

The cursor’s rhythmic blinking feels like home. Predictable. Constant.

Steadying and almost grounding my heart, so I’m still enough to tap into the rivers flowing on my insides. Signifying the page’s readiness to receive whatever outpouring happens to make its way up and out this morning.

And I do mean “happens to make its way up.” Something I’m realizing about myself is that I have the hardest time writing if I’ve tried to think through an idea beforehand.

So this morning as I come to the blank screen, everything I thought I might say to you here today goes silent in my head. I sit a minute, watch the cursor, then close my eyes and breathe in the early morning stillness.

And then… tentatively… place fingers to keys and wait to see what happens.

It’s this mystical process for me lately, writing these blog posts, day, after day, after day. Mystical, because 31 Days has so stretched me to the outermost rim of myself — beyond it, really — that I feel unable to think in a logical manor about what I want to say.

So the words seem to eek out from someplace much deeper inside me than my brain, than even my emotions. Deeper, and honestly? More holy.

And I realize, even in this moment as my fingers slowly find their way across the keyboard, that this is what I prayed for. 

Some deeper accessing of my true self. That in these 31 Days of writing and writing and writing again, Jesus would teach me to sink deeper, deeper, deeper still, into where He dwells within me.

Where the Spirit of God and my own spirit are united, and my true, rooted, grounded, secure, peace-filled self resides. The Divine origin of my authenticity and my creativity — the holy union that’s the Head of these rivers of living water that will flow from my inmost being.

And not just a deeper accessing of that truest heart, but the skill to draw it to the surface, to find language for it, to bring it to life on the page that I may more intimately know it. More deeply find myself in Him.

And, as a byproduct, that you may know it too.

And wow — as I sit here this morning I question whether I’m making sense. And part of me honestly wishes I had something more concrete, more tangible for you to wrap fingers and mind around today.

But this is what I’ve got, friends — these deep unto deep revelations of what these 31 days of authenticity have accomplished on my insides. It is uncomfortable, raw, and most certainly not fully formed.

And I thank you from the bottom of my soul for your presence with me in this journey of whatever it is that the Lord is sculpting and birthing out of my heart and my art and all my mixed metaphors.

****

Tomorrow, I will be guest posting at my sweet friend Barbie’s place. If we’re friends on Facebook, you may know that this guest post is one over which I have struggled and wrestled and not been able to make much, if any, headway.

So. Finally, last night, I gave in. I private messaged Barbie, explained to her how when I sat down to write the guest post, what came out instead was… a song.

And how every time subsequent to the writing of said song that I sat down to try yet again to write the post, I was unsuccessful, but “the song” kept running through my head. And how I wondered if maybe, just maybe, this was what the Lord was doing…?

She was gracious and excited at the thought, so… tomorrow I will be sharing my newest song with you. In Barbie’s beautiful space. I’ll post here and link you directly there so you’ll have no trouble tracking it down.

And this morning I’m requesting your prayers, friends, because this little bit of a cough that I’ve had? It’s made me somewhat hoarse and I’m not sure exactly how recording this song is going to go. We’ll see. But I so strongly feel Jesus’ presence woven through this process… so I’m going for it, I guess. And coveting your companionship at Barbie’s place tomorrow.

Come be before the Lord with me there?

I love y’all, my sweet friends.

This entry was posted in 31 Days 2014, Creativity, Learning Authenticity, misc. walking with Jesus, Music, Writing. Bookmark the permalink.

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